sneakyfeets:

andrewthepoet:

One time I went on a date to the Olive Garden and I ordered the seafood pasta. I open up one of the muscle oyster things and low and behold there is a tiny crab in there. I freak out and think it’s the craziest thing ever. I keep talking to my then girlfriend about this tiny crab. How hilariously wonderful it is that the little dude crawled in there in the ocean only to become a freaky little part of my pasta. She is very unamused and clearly wants me to shut the hell up about this tiny crab and be a normal person. She is 0% excited about the tiny crab. 
The waitress comes over eventually and is like ‘hey how’s the meal?’ and I’m like ‘awesome, but you gotta check this out! i found a tiny crab in here!’ and waitress freaks out and thinks its awesome. And she is like ‘can I take this to show everyone else?’ and I’m all like ‘hells yeah.’ So she does and everyone else that works there thinks it’s awesome.
Girlfriend SUPER annoyed.
The End.

dump her

sneakyfeets:

andrewthepoet:

One time I went on a date to the Olive Garden and I ordered the seafood pasta. I open up one of the muscle oyster things and low and behold there is a tiny crab in there. I freak out and think it’s the craziest thing ever. I keep talking to my then girlfriend about this tiny crab. How hilariously wonderful it is that the little dude crawled in there in the ocean only to become a freaky little part of my pasta. She is very unamused and clearly wants me to shut the hell up about this tiny crab and be a normal person. She is 0% excited about the tiny crab. 

The waitress comes over eventually and is like ‘hey how’s the meal?’ and I’m like ‘awesome, but you gotta check this out! i found a tiny crab in here!’ and waitress freaks out and thinks its awesome. And she is like ‘can I take this to show everyone else?’ and I’m all like ‘hells yeah.’ So she does and everyone else that works there thinks it’s awesome.

Girlfriend SUPER annoyed.

The End.

dump her

301,141 notes

stability:

sinnersdisguise:

stability:

By the time I have kids they’re literally going to be buying air

fun fact: that “air” is nitrogen that keeps your chips fresh

Fun fact: there were three chips in that bag. Three.

stability:

sinnersdisguise:

stability:

By the time I have kids they’re literally going to be buying air

fun fact: that “air” is nitrogen that keeps your chips fresh

Fun fact: there were three chips in that bag. Three.

198,218 notes

aqua-vitae-ante-meridiem:

swoz:

flextrovert:

gnometeeth:


A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.

I live for this post

"Do what you must, for I have already won."

christ 


"This is why I won’t do two shows in one night anymore. I won’t do it. I won’t."

aqua-vitae-ante-meridiem:

swoz:

flextrovert:

gnometeeth:

A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.

I live for this post

"Do what you must, for I have already won."

christ 

"This is why I won’t do two shows in one night anymore. I won’t do it. I won’t."

(Source: inthelifeofa)

619,353 notes

blastpete:

I will never not reblog this

(Source: cunningfoxes)

293,677 notes